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BUT SO WHAT IF I SIMPLY SHOOT?
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
WHAT THIEVES HAVE DONE TO ME
Case 1:
Broke into my car in Prangin Mall. Took my mega-pencilbox, along my faithful calculator. He lacked brains, because he also took my magnetic clip-on shades, specifically designed for my glasses only. He’s got to attach rubber-bands on it if he intends to use it. His lack of brains was further confirmed because he tried to jump start the car, but to no avail. And he forgot to lock the door after his job. Bodoh.
Case 2:
Broke into my car during Penang Bridge Run. All traces of elation vanished upon discovering the disappearance of my wallet with a few hundred bucks inside, and my handphone. This fellow was a bit smarter than his predecessor. He locked the door back. The wallet, void of its cash, but documents intact, was later found dumped at a petrol station. Well-trained in the ethics of theft.
Case 3:
Broke into my car during the Bavarian Brass Band concert. Took my friend’s bag, containing only some clothes and some toiletries. This one also bodoh, because he may as well have taken my Mojaves. But no… and he also left the door not properly closed.
WHAT I WILL DO TO A THIEF
Case 1: Thief caught in the act, attempting to break into my car.
I will come up behind the thief, open the door for him, grab his hand, put it inside the car, and slam the door shut, jamming his wrist in the door. While he writhes in pain over his fractured wrist, I’d take out his wallet, and run away with it. He’ll probably try to get it back from me, but he’ll have to chase me first. And he’ll have to do it without swinging one hand. I’ll let him chase me, and I’ll run to the nearest police station. When he’s near enough to the police station, I’ll let him catch me, and give him back his wallet. Then, I’ll grab him by the broken wrist and hand him over to the cops. His own feet have brought himself to the cops.
This will be how the story goes: He was caught red-handed, breaking into my car. His hand is maimed because he tried to attack my rock-solid body. Being a gentleman, I ran away because I didn’t want to commit any form of physical assault. But he persisted on inflicting some damage, maybe a few scratches, for his own satisfaction. So, as I tried to evade uncivilized combat, I figured it best to run to the nearest police station. And voila here we are!
Case 2: Thief caught in the act, breaking into another person’s car.
I will come up behind him, give him a hard punch on the bottom of his ribcage from the side. His last rib will probably be broken. Then, I will grab his arms from behind, lock his elbows together so he can’t struggle, and force him down on the floor. Then, I’ll push his face to the tar road, and rub his face against road with my left hand, while my right hand is still locking his arms together. When I’m satisfied that his mother cannot recognize him anymore, I’ll turn him around and give him a few hard blows in the abs. By now, he probably can’t stand straight or breathe properly with a pummeled tummy and a broken rib. Then I will tenderly take him by the hand and lead him to the nearest police station.
This will be how the story goes: He was caught breaking into somebody’s car. The owner caught him, and battered him badly. Then, the owner drove off with his car, leaving him lying pitifully on the floor. Shocked and filled with compassion, I picked him up and led him to the nearest police station so he can lodge a police report. When he starts to accuse me of beating him up, I’ll tell the policeman that the poor guy took too many hard knocks on his face, that he is going into shock, trauma and amnesia. Then I’ll do the cops a favour by calling up the mental institution so the police won’t have to deal with a psycho with a bleeding face.
Case 3: No thief ever caught in the act in anyone’s car.
When I have enough money in my bank, I will set up an Anti Car Theft Syndicate. Anyone who is interested to uphold the law and protect the innocent from car thieves can play a part to make the community a better and safer place to live in. Out of the generosity of its founder, school drop-outs and triads are welcome to become a legally paid employee and will be given a chance to be a service to society. Only 1 year of training required. Training will include physical training, martial arts, and the art of deception. Trainees will receive a retractable dagger upon their graduation, courtesy of ASDCP (Association Of Self Defense And Crime Prevention).
Let this be a warning to all car thieves. Woe befall you if you bump into Joshua, son of Jacob in person. He will maim and deceive, for his own namesake. The sons of Jacob will not be consumed!
Case 1:
Broke into my car in Prangin Mall. Took my mega-pencilbox, along my faithful calculator. He lacked brains, because he also took my magnetic clip-on shades, specifically designed for my glasses only. He’s got to attach rubber-bands on it if he intends to use it. His lack of brains was further confirmed because he tried to jump start the car, but to no avail. And he forgot to lock the door after his job. Bodoh.
Case 2:
Broke into my car during Penang Bridge Run. All traces of elation vanished upon discovering the disappearance of my wallet with a few hundred bucks inside, and my handphone. This fellow was a bit smarter than his predecessor. He locked the door back. The wallet, void of its cash, but documents intact, was later found dumped at a petrol station. Well-trained in the ethics of theft.
Case 3:
Broke into my car during the Bavarian Brass Band concert. Took my friend’s bag, containing only some clothes and some toiletries. This one also bodoh, because he may as well have taken my Mojaves. But no… and he also left the door not properly closed.
WHAT I WILL DO TO A THIEF
Case 1: Thief caught in the act, attempting to break into my car.
I will come up behind the thief, open the door for him, grab his hand, put it inside the car, and slam the door shut, jamming his wrist in the door. While he writhes in pain over his fractured wrist, I’d take out his wallet, and run away with it. He’ll probably try to get it back from me, but he’ll have to chase me first. And he’ll have to do it without swinging one hand. I’ll let him chase me, and I’ll run to the nearest police station. When he’s near enough to the police station, I’ll let him catch me, and give him back his wallet. Then, I’ll grab him by the broken wrist and hand him over to the cops. His own feet have brought himself to the cops.
This will be how the story goes: He was caught red-handed, breaking into my car. His hand is maimed because he tried to attack my rock-solid body. Being a gentleman, I ran away because I didn’t want to commit any form of physical assault. But he persisted on inflicting some damage, maybe a few scratches, for his own satisfaction. So, as I tried to evade uncivilized combat, I figured it best to run to the nearest police station. And voila here we are!
Case 2: Thief caught in the act, breaking into another person’s car.
I will come up behind him, give him a hard punch on the bottom of his ribcage from the side. His last rib will probably be broken. Then, I will grab his arms from behind, lock his elbows together so he can’t struggle, and force him down on the floor. Then, I’ll push his face to the tar road, and rub his face against road with my left hand, while my right hand is still locking his arms together. When I’m satisfied that his mother cannot recognize him anymore, I’ll turn him around and give him a few hard blows in the abs. By now, he probably can’t stand straight or breathe properly with a pummeled tummy and a broken rib. Then I will tenderly take him by the hand and lead him to the nearest police station.
This will be how the story goes: He was caught breaking into somebody’s car. The owner caught him, and battered him badly. Then, the owner drove off with his car, leaving him lying pitifully on the floor. Shocked and filled with compassion, I picked him up and led him to the nearest police station so he can lodge a police report. When he starts to accuse me of beating him up, I’ll tell the policeman that the poor guy took too many hard knocks on his face, that he is going into shock, trauma and amnesia. Then I’ll do the cops a favour by calling up the mental institution so the police won’t have to deal with a psycho with a bleeding face.
Case 3: No thief ever caught in the act in anyone’s car.
When I have enough money in my bank, I will set up an Anti Car Theft Syndicate. Anyone who is interested to uphold the law and protect the innocent from car thieves can play a part to make the community a better and safer place to live in. Out of the generosity of its founder, school drop-outs and triads are welcome to become a legally paid employee and will be given a chance to be a service to society. Only 1 year of training required. Training will include physical training, martial arts, and the art of deception. Trainees will receive a retractable dagger upon their graduation, courtesy of ASDCP (Association Of Self Defense And Crime Prevention).
Let this be a warning to all car thieves. Woe befall you if you bump into Joshua, son of Jacob in person. He will maim and deceive, for his own namesake. The sons of Jacob will not be consumed!
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